the new term for farting is butt boxing.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
