so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
