My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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