Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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