anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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