Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
