I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
