Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
