Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
