I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
