My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
