Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
