i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
