SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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