I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
