When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
