How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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