Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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