I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
as a side note pls kill me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
