Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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