Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
