So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I love having hate sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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