answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
