someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
