I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
