i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
