Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
