just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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