My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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