it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
