Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
