I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
