I am in a vortex of obligation.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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