She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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