we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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