He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
