I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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