My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
