I'm going to jail i love you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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