how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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