you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
