i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
