i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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