The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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