and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
