I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
