My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
