you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
