I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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