you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
